Pixel art note: when you choose New Game, there's a confirmation screen (choices are “I leave the safety of the city walls” and a randomized excuse for why you don't want to start a new game). Watch the flying creature at the very left of the background. At first, I only happened to look at it when it wasn't animating, and... it looks like some sort of bell-shaped lighter-than-air gasbag creature, or something? When you catch it animating, you can see that it's a winged creature that flaps its wings occasionally. But...then it's somehow gliding with its wings all the way pulled back at the top of the wing-flap?
A bunch of the art is like this: it's pretty, and mostly well done, but often the composition or posing is a little odd.
First passage of the demo:
The wall is still standing. There are no wolves around, no stench of blood. Good signs.
This should be the place you're looking for. You were supposed to meet with a group of soldiers, but you hear no voices, no sounds of labor.
The gate is ajar, but the camp isn't safe. It may keep away the goblins and pebblers, but not the beastfolk, nor trolls. And the night is near.
- I could just look for another shelter.
- I need to look around. Cautiously.
- I dismount and sneak to the gate. Let's peek inside.
- I get off the horse and enter the camp briskly.
There are some things I like here, particularly “pebblers” in the last paragraph: it makes you go, “uh...peddlers?” but that doesn't make sense with the rest of the list, so now it has drawn attention to itself and you're wondering, “what kind of creature is a pebbler?” Cool.
First paragraph: “no stench of blood.” I would have just said “smell” here? Blood just has a light, metallic scent and I wouldn't call it a stench. Unless it's been around long enough to be rotting, in which case you have other more evocative descriptions you could have used. Also, how do you know there are no wolves around? The entire point of this passage is that the gate is partly open but you can't see inside so you don't know what might be hiding there. So how about “There is no howl of wolves, no scent of blood.”
Second paragraph: mostly good, though I would probably have said “troop of soldiers.”
Third paragraph: “but the camp isn't safe” -- well, actually, if you keep going, you'll find out that the camp is safe. Why not word it in a way that reflects your uncertainty? Start of the next sentence: what does “It” refer to here? The camp isn't doing anything to keep anyone away. The wall, maybe. But the gate is ajar, so anything trying to get in is just going to walk around until it finds the entrance.
The list has “the” goblins and pebblers, but then no article before beastfolk and trolls. Pick one and stick to it. On the other hand, then you have “the night is near” and I'd leave out the article there.
“Your palfrey breathes heavily. It had a long day.” I think they consistently use “it” for your horse. They let you name it later, but you don't choose a sex for it. So I guess they're trying not to gender it, but there are also choices where it feels like they're letting you build a relationship with your horse, so... “it” seems oddly impersonal.
“breathes heavily” -- especially for horses there are so many expressive words for “breathes” and this feels like a good place to use one.
“It had a long day.” I think I'd say “It has had,” but maybe not. And what about you? Haven't you both had a long day? Maybe “It has been a long ride.” Not quite sure what I'd do here, but not this.
I mostly like the choices: they're expressive of what you're going to see later. They're not locked into some notion of “you should always give the player three choices.” There's a mix of clear choices and ones that you're not quite so sure what they're saying. It's...a little weird having the last sentence of the passage in second person and then the choices are all in first.
“I could just look for another shelter.” I kinda like “just” here: it's not something you'd use in formal writing and it sets a friendly casual tone.
“I need to look around. Cautiously.” No real notes here. It's not clear what this choice does that's different from the next one. Which I think is ok, it's setting expectations about the choice design. But the response is basically you taking a moment to appreciate the scenery, when I was expecting scouting for danger outside the camp or something like that.
“I dismount and sneak to the gate. Let's peek inside.” I'm not sure I like the change from “I” to “we” here. As with “just” it's very informal, but here it's... are you intentionally calling attention to the fourth wall? That seems to work against the effect of having the choices in first person.
“I get off the horse and enter the camp briskly.” It's clear what this does, but “the horse”? It's your horse, you should claim the relationship and responsibility, not treat it like an inanimate object, you jerk.